Conflict in Relationship is Just the Tip of the Iceberg! Part 1

The conflict is 10% about the issue!

Did you know that 90% of an iceberg is submerged underwater? That when you look at an iceberg you’re only seeing 10%? Think about that a moment. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg; so there’s more to it than meets the eye. Viewed this way it’s no wonder the Titanic sunk! 

So, what does this have to do with relationships?  A lot! Most of the conflicts and disagreements we face in our relatinships are just the tip of the iceberg; the 10%.

The fact that your partner leaves the toilet seat up, puts make-up on in the car, or leaves crumbs on the counter top is the surface issue. Ninety percent of the conflict is about your reaction to it. That 90% has to do with your past hurts, unmet needs, lost parts ancient history or baggage as I like to call it. Think about the huge reactions you sometimes have to the small issues. Doesn’t it make sense that there just might be something else going on? Wouldn’t you like to find out what that is? ARen’t you at least a little curious? Or are you shaking your head and thinking that’s crazy!

Need proof? Well, here’s another picture that may convince you, or at least give it some thought.

90% of conflict is your reaction to it, which is what lies beneath!

Whats the deeper issue or the 90%? What lies beneath is what lives in our unconscious and is only glimpsed when we are hurt, angry, sad or fearful.When we feel attacked, scared or threatened we automatically go into flight, fight, flee or play dead. In that moment it’s all about protect, protect, protect! Partners are reactive, hooked into their own mental stories, judgments, opinions and interpretations about what their partner did, why they did it and what an awful, irresponsible, irrational ___ they are!  Sometimes you may even think you partner does things on purpose just to annoy you, or they do it because they don’t love you and then you react!

Some of the ways that parnters react are to shut down, withdraw, blame their partner, yell, scream, etc. In the moment when conflict occurs partners aren’t connecting with each other, they certainly aren’t listening to understand and the safety and connection in the relationship goes out the window. It’s as if the partners are in a boxing ring, scoring points for the best defensive maneuvers. This approach to conflict just doesn’t work!

So why are defenses so active, what is happening when conflict occurs?

I’m going to write about this in Part 2. So be on the look out for it!

Until next time! I wish you peace…

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.

 

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