Life’s Important Guidelines and Lessons

I came across a handout I use in some of my workshops and thought it would be a great idea to share it with you! It’s about life, the things we innately know and how we lose sight and forget these simple rules!

Instructions Given to Each of Us at Birth

• You will recieve a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
• You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons, You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
• There are no mistakes only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” expreiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment tht ultimately “works”.
• A lesson is repeated until it’s learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.
• Learning lessons doesn’t end. There is no part of life that doesn’t contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
• “There” is no better “there” then “here”. When your “there” becomes a “here” you will simply obtain another “there” that again, looks better than “here”. (A bit confusing but you get the picture!)
• Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
• What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is always yours!
• The answers lie inside of you. The answers to lifes questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
• You will forget all of this!

I have a suggestion and a challenge to all couples! Hang this up somewhere you will see it everyday and see how you can put these principles into practice both in your intimate relationship and your everyday life.

These are powerful guidelines to live by and the best part is that they lead to personal freedom and empowerment!

I hope you enjoyed this! Please post your comments and let others know how you were able to apply this to your everyday life. I find that I learn best from others, their stories, comments and feedback.

Until next time! I wish you peace…

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.

Conflict in Relationship is Just the Tip of the Iceberg! Part 1

The conflict is 10% about the issue!

Did you know that 90% of an iceberg is submerged underwater? That when you look at an iceberg you’re only seeing 10%? Think about that a moment. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg; so there’s more to it than meets the eye. Viewed this way it’s no wonder the Titanic sunk! 

So, what does this have to do with relationships?  A lot! Most of the conflicts and disagreements we face in our relatinships are just the tip of the iceberg; the 10%.

The fact that your partner leaves the toilet seat up, puts make-up on in the car, or leaves crumbs on the counter top is the surface issue. Ninety percent of the conflict is about your reaction to it. That 90% has to do with your past hurts, unmet needs, lost parts ancient history or baggage as I like to call it. Think about the huge reactions you sometimes have to the small issues. Doesn’t it make sense that there just might be something else going on? Wouldn’t you like to find out what that is? ARen’t you at least a little curious? Or are you shaking your head and thinking that’s crazy!

Need proof? Well, here’s another picture that may convince you, or at least give it some thought.

90% of conflict is your reaction to it, which is what lies beneath!

Whats the deeper issue or the 90%? What lies beneath is what lives in our unconscious and is only glimpsed when we are hurt, angry, sad or fearful.When we feel attacked, scared or threatened we automatically go into flight, fight, flee or play dead. In that moment it’s all about protect, protect, protect! Partners are reactive, hooked into their own mental stories, judgments, opinions and interpretations about what their partner did, why they did it and what an awful, irresponsible, irrational ___ they are!  Sometimes you may even think you partner does things on purpose just to annoy you, or they do it because they don’t love you and then you react!

Some of the ways that parnters react are to shut down, withdraw, blame their partner, yell, scream, etc. In the moment when conflict occurs partners aren’t connecting with each other, they certainly aren’t listening to understand and the safety and connection in the relationship goes out the window. It’s as if the partners are in a boxing ring, scoring points for the best defensive maneuvers. This approach to conflict just doesn’t work!

So why are defenses so active, what is happening when conflict occurs?

I’m going to write about this in Part 2. So be on the look out for it!

Until next time! I wish you peace…

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.

 

Creating a Quiet Space in a Busy World

Part II: Mindfulness Finding Peace in the Midst of a Storm

In a previous post I wrote about the benefits of learning to use mindfulness to create inner peace and balance in my life. Before developing my own practice I was often anxious, sad and highly influenced by whatever was going on in the world around me. From my close relationships, extended family and friends to the world at large, I felt like a sponge; I took in everything that was going on in my environment and then went into action trying to resolve or put out fires. This was a futile task as there’s little I can do to control what happens outside of me. I strongly beleive that engaging in mindfulness practice and meditation is what’s  helped calm my reactive mind, accept feelings and learn how to be in the moment.

Steps Towards Developing a Mindfulness Practice:

Right now I want you to stop what you are doing and do the following:

• Take in a deep breath, as you breath become aware of where you feel the breath in your body. Can you feel the breath as it enters your nostrils, do you feel it in your chest or in your belly? Slowly let the breath out and repeat this at three times and return to your normal breathing rythmn.
• Become aware of the sensations in your body. You don’t have to do anything other then notice what you are feeling. Do you feel any tingling sesations? Any areas of tension, stress or pain? Just notice any sensations.
• As you notice any areas of tension or stress take a moment to become aware any thoughts that follow this; like feeling a need to do something about it. Just acknowledge the thoughts, commentaries or judgments about your body sensations (for example you might feel pain in your back and then start thinking about how awful your day is going to be because of this pain.)
• See if you can tune into the sounds that are going on around you, open your eyes and become aware of the colors that surround you, the smells. Just notice with your senses how much activity is going on around you and take it in.
• Take in a long breath and then release it slowly. You can repeat this three more times and then resume what you were doing.

Take a few moments to think and write about the following:

• What was it like to just be still for a few minutes? 
• Did you notice anything different about your surroundings or about yourself?
• Did you notice how many judgments, thoughts, commentaries and stories followed your feelings?
• Can you see the benefits of not getting hooked into, or following the thougths and building stories?
• How would this help you be more present to what is going on in the moment?
• What was it like to take a break from your normal routine

Other Relaxing, Mindful Practices

Some other practices that will help you gain balance, clarity and connect with the moment are yoga, massage, and mindfulness meditation. Whether you are able to dedicate a few minutes a day to restoring balance, or whether you engage in one of the above activities, I can assure you that doing so will grant many benefits and rewards for both your emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Its a gift of loving kindness to yourself!

Until next time! I wish you peace…

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.

Mindfulness: Finding Peace in the Midst of a Storm

Lately it seems as if everytime I listen to the news, or turn on the television, I’m bombarded with predictions of doom and gloom!

According to the headlines, the past brought us strife and the future is bound to bring us more suffering!

From the unrest and hostilities in the Gaza Strip, the War in Iraq, our global economy and what’s happening in in my local community, it’s easy to see why so many people are walking around feeling scared, anxious and stressed out.

As a therapist, many people think, I “should” have  the perfect tools to deal with these situations, and while it’s true (I do have access to information, tools and healthier approaches towards handling these situations), it doesn’t mean I’m  immune to it. At times I find myself getting caught up  and carried away in the stories and predictions of doom and gloom. When this happens, I end up losing my sense of balance, feeling discouraged, and overwhelmed. It’s as if I’m in the midst of a terrible storm, without a compass to guide me home.  So how do I find my way back home?

Finding Peace in the Midst of a Storm

When I’m feeling overwhelmed what helps, is to bring myself back to the present moment. The best way I have found to do this is through the practice of mindfulness meditation.

I began learning about mindfulness meditation years ago when I felt as if my life was out of control. Feeling powerless and helpless, I walked around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt as if  the life was all about pain and suffering. Mindfulness was like a breath of fresh air and I welcomed it into my life with open arms.

The Benefits of Developing a Mindfulness Practice

Becoming mindful helps me recognize and identify when I am dwelling in the past,  predicting the future or floating in la-la land. This practice allows me to become aware of the beauty, sorrow and realness of the world around me. I get to be present and experience sensations, sights and sounds; the wind against my skin, the warmth of the sun on my face, the joy in my son’s laughter, the sadness I feel at witnessing suffering. As a result of being mindful I am able to take in every experience without the pressure of having to come up with an action plan.

Mindfulness also helps me to recognize that I can’t control what goes on around me, I can only control how I react to it. In letting go of trying to control the outcome, I  let go of judgment and learn to accept things as they are. This helps me develop the ability to connect with myself, my partner, and the world from a place of acceptance, empowerment and compassion.  As a result I have found balance, freedom, and joy in my  life and this is a priceless gift! A gift that I am able to pass on to those whose lives I touch and those who come into my life.

Next: Steps Towards Practicing Mindfulness

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.

The Power of Words

Words can connect or drive you apart...

At times your words
are tender and loving
Snowflakes gently landing
On my skin
Or the kiss
Of a soft, whispering wind
Caressing
Loving
Peacful

At times your words are…
Like the sunlight
Full of warmth and laughter
Sparkling
Funny
Joyfully alive

At times your words…
Cut to the quick
Wound like an arrow
Piercing the heart
Angry
Defensive
A wall that
Pulls us apart

When anger enters
Our Sacred Space
I lose my breath
Am speechless
Lost and confused
I try to speak
You cut me off
We drift even farther apart

Underneath the
Hard shell of anger
I see and feel your pain
And I wonder
Can we set aside angry words
Can you speak to me
From your heart?

Are you willing to
 Let me see
The hurt part
That is wounded
and sits trapped alone in the dark?

Can we connect from the heart
instead of
Drifting further apart?

If we want to be heard, understood and loved in relationship, we must be willing to drop our defenses and connect through the heart. The next time you are fighting, or arguing try speaking from your heart. Drop the blaming, the shaming, and the put downs. Let your partner see who you truly are, speak about your feelings, let your partner see what part of you is hurting and invite them to do the same. See how different your relationship will be when you do this.